Patio Reflection

I’m watching the dark clouds roll in again.  The grey jeans and muted purple top I’m wearing seem to mimic my mood as well as the weather.  Soon, drops will fall from this crushed velvet sky reminding me that things are about to fall in around my life as well.  Despite the fact that I just spent one of the best weeks of my life on a cruise with the love of my life, I feel this profound sense of dread knowing that the summer is almost over and it only just began.

I’m not sure I’m quite ready to go back to the spiders, cockroaches and various other insects I’ve seen in my windowsill that probably only exist because they mutated with other bugs living in my house.  The bugs aren’t even the issue, it’s that I wake up at 4am in a daze after worrying about my students all night or what my principal will criticize about my management skills or what thing I forgot to do on my never-ending list of things to do and then deal with students hating my rules all day and schedule changes that throw off all of my meticulously created plans anyway.   When I get home, I have no food to eat for dinner because I have no money because I spent it all on supplies for my classroom and am too tired to go to Taco Bell which is the only place I can afford to eat at so I drink more coffee and plan for another day that I can never plan for well enough.  I’ll have about 20 minutes if I’m lucky to talk to my boyfriend over the phone because he lives in another state before I have to plan some more and try to sleep before the next day.  In the morning, I’ll either be hunched over crying in the shower or completely in a daze-but that’s my only time to let go and show any emotion.  On the weekend, when I will try to come up with a strategy to better survive the next week, I’ll be criticized for working too hard or when I go out, I’ll be criticized for not having enough fun.  I’m not ready.

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